if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
