textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize