Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize