Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
