I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
