I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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