this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
