I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
