Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
