I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
they're like a gay fantastic four
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
