Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
