I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
