I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
