Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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