you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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