i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
