i think my mom watched the whole time
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
