so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
