i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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