In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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