My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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