i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
