Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize