I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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