It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just forgot I was standing up.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize