Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize