she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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