I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
