This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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