I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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