Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
