I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
