So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Found your dick twin last night
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
