So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
