I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm lost and stupid without you.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
