i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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