so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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