Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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