Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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