There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
