You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
