i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
