I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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