o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
well you can't waste a boner
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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