She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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