I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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