she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
