are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
