i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
These tits shall not be calmed
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My feet surprised me
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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