Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
