So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
