My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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